can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
