I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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