I swear god or herbie drove my car home
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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