Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
And then my night got REAL pukey
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
