I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
