There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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