i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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