What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
