It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
