Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
