I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
