i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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