It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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