When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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