How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I think I am morally bankrupt
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
