so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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