He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
