Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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