I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
