I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
