I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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