wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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