Do you still have your period?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Randomize
