i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I think my vagina is haunted
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
