tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
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