chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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