I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
