i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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