so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Found your dick twin last night
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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