I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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