dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
