I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
