you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
