I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
