I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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