i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
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