you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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