What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
