Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
