Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
