yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
