Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
