We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
you made out with another girl for some wings
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
