a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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