I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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