Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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