I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
