Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Randomize
