Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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