Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
