I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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