The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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