yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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